I Didn't Realise It Was Dark.. Until Someone Turned The Light On

Have you ever noticed how your eyes adjust to the light, or the lack of, and when the light gets switched on you often have a "woah, I've been sitting in the dark" moment? How funny then that we often don't notice the darkness within our soul either, until someone or something comes along and shines a great, big beacon upon us. For some people this beacon comes in the form of religion; a lightbulb moment in which everything becomes clear to them and they give everything to their chosen God.

I'm not one of those people.

I absolutely support people's right to choose their own beliefs, I just don't share that belief system. I should, considering how amazing my mother's relationship with God is. She became a born-again Christian some 7 or so years ago and I can categorically say that it changed her inside and out and made her a far better person. My father, whom I never conceived would ever join the church, also recently made his commitment to Jesus and pledged his heart. However, for me, that connection to the Almighty is just not present. I did go through a stage in my very early 20's where I was so fundamentally lost that I turned to God in the hopes of finding comfort, solace, reason.. and I guess for that short period of time I did feel less alone; but the issue of religion raises far more questions in me than it ever gave answers. I simply cannot understand why being a good person isn't enough to grant you access to heaven. How can it be 'fair' that someone who has done terrible things can repent and be forgiven, yet someone who has lived a good, honest and loving life is not given the same level of acceptance into paradise? Not that I think anyone is beyond forgiveness in a mortal sense, we all make mistakes, but the whole concept makes me uneasy.

I guess now would be a great time to admit that I'm not entirely convinced heaven exists, either. Not in the traditional sense of the word, at least. I desperately cling onto the notion that there is an after-life, and that I will be reunited with lost loved ones, but I'm not sure I accept the heaven and hell concept as a whole.

I guess my beliefs are more spiritual than religious; we all have a moral obligation to do no harm and be the best people we can be. We should be kind and generous to those less fortunate than ourselves, we should only speak with truth and goodness, we should be bound not by a connection to a superior being but by a love for all of humanity; and should we choose not to be all of those things then there will be some level of karmic retribution.

I always tell my children that 'doing nice things brings nice things back'... and by the same token, 'doing bad things brings bad things back'. I suppose that isn't a far cry from Christianity, except that I don't tell them the nice or bad things are delivered from an all-seeing, all-knowing presence. I instill in them a sense of accountability to themselves, and to those around them. Our family, for example, works on a respect system. The only rule in my home is that you should respect yourself, your surroundings and the people you live with. That covers such a vast multitude of potential offences that I think we have the bases more or less covered. That's not to suggest that sometimes those rules aren't broken; growing-up is all about learning from our mistakes. But, ultimately, we tick along nicely without the need to impose the fear of God.

Having said that, without something to believe in, life can be lonely. I've muddled along for years feeling unable to shake off the sense that I am missing out on some great secret. Whilst an accountability to humanity is a pretty awesome feat, it still doesn't answer the questions that plague me: Why are we here? What's next? What is my purpose?

And then, suddenly, my light came on.

I am here, in this beautiful world, to leave my mark. I am here to live a full and blessed life, and share my love and my thoughts with anyone who wants to receive them. I am here to raise my children to be grounded, loving, thoughtful and happy. I am here, in short, to live life in as full a way as I can. There is no need for answers beyond that. Whatever comes next, as long as I am able to stand there with an open heart and say "I did my best", well, that's good enough for me.